I don’t know how many times they told me to cut things off with people they think are problematic for me, even after I told them I’ve made progress with them. I don’t know if the way I vent to them weren’t quite objective (isn’t the point of venting pouring out your feelings?), or if they are quick to judge because they’re protective of me, or they understand power relations more so they see more red flags than normally percieved. Point is, I’m kind of disappointed that my intent to pour my feelings out somehow got interpreted as me badmouthing a certain someone to the point where my peers think this person I’m beefing with is problematic. It doesn’t matter how actually problematic this person is, but I feel like we at least need to verify the truth of the story first?

So this is how we come to today: where I want nothing more than a bunch of Nadia’s. A bunch of friends at a safe distance, away from my Event Horizon. I will still be open for a warm conversation over shared interest, but you will know me as the most secretive member of the function. You will know me, but you will not know my pain. That thing will only be shared if I can safely implement a double-blind between us, or is only something I should process internally. I sweat this is the last time.

Nadia, if you’re reading this, thank you. I hope things are going well for you too post-graduation. I know it can get confusing at times.

My close friends, if you’re reading this, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to think you guys are evil. But I think I will be a little bit careful with what I do and say.

I broke up with my ex almost a year ago and throughout the months it passed I can confidently say now that I’ve moved on. However, is it wrong if I’m still friends with them? I mean, before all this happened, we used to be good friends. So can we just, I don’t know, platonically be together? Is that weird? Is that too much to ask? I know it’s a very unpopular belief and opinion to still be in contact with your ex-lover. But if you truly love this person, wouldn’t you keep them around even after a break up? I don’t know. I just feel really frustrated lately with this idea of “love”. I can still “love” them as a friend, by caring for them and man… Idk you had friends before you know what it feels like to be friends with someone that seem to genuinely care about your feelings and interests but not in a romantic way. Man, maybe I’m too fucking woke. The aromantics were right.

This has got me to be very scared of the idea of romantic love. What if I ruin this innocent relationship because once we say goodbye it’s like we never see each other, ever. That’s just cruel in my opinion. I’d rather be alone than having to ruin a perfectly fine friendship or kinship or anything-ship.

New album released! Finally! A bit late than promised but at least it’s out there. And by out there I mean on streaming services too, unlike my older albums. This album is a personal one for me. It’s a 5 years in the making and I guess you could see it as my way of coping with the looming trauma.

You can listen to it here: You Won’t Be Missed It’s still available on Bandcamp for free downloads too, as I promised.

Just like the Dear Eveline album, If I have to pick a favorite (in this particular order), here are my proudest works:

1. Faith, Loyalty, and Trust: This one is a complete 180 from what I’ve envisioned years ago. However, I love how it turns out. Very fun, very funky. The bass was super fun to record. Singing, pretending to be some kind of snobhead from high school era who can’t let go of their glorious school is also fun, although a little bit petty now that I’m older (and wiser).
2. Vengeance: Obviously because I get to swear on this one. This song has a deeper meaning/understanding of hazing than of personal experience. Spoilers, it’s because of the forced militarization of civil spaces such as schools, which is a direct consequence of the New Order. I’m not really in the mood of making yet another essay on this (if I have the time maybe I will consider it). Just try to think through what I just said. I tried to make this song sound like a military march to fit that.
3. Cowardice, Envy, and Lust: I think this song is just what people expect of the SXWVN project: an 8-bit/chiptune video game music (with me singing, bonus added even if you don’t like it). And I think I really nail it.

You should check them out! Also check the other 13 songs! Most of them have me singing about my trauma but there are some instrumentals too. They are somehow also about my trauma, but enough trauma dumping! Enjoy the album. Make it about whatever you want it to be.

Like a lot of people I grow up having hopes and dreams. The things I want to do, the kind of people I want to become, the values I aligned myself with, all that goofy stuffs. I suppose I worked hard to get what I want and in a sense we’re all working hard to get what we want. However lately I come to the conclusion that life is inherently a stochastic machine that will not guarantee you a win even if you work super hard on what you want. Some people cope by thinking this isn’t the end of the hero’s journey, that it’s only a detour that might’ve saved the hero from a dangerous path. Some people cope by believing that they simply lack the discipline their successful peer have, so they keep digging. Me on the other hand, just cope by becoming a miserable nihilist lol.

Hey, you can’t fully blame me on that one. I mean, what do you expect when everyone ignored your climb but took notice of your fall? So maybe I shouldn’t be playing a game that satisfies this people. Maybe all their praises mean nothing and that I could be whoever the fuck I want to be or do what I want to do even if they have no immediate reward. In a sense, nothing matters! I thought I was fucking clever when I thought of that.

I guess it was easier said than done, something something about Optimistic Nihilism or stuff. To be frank, it’s been hard for me to be optimistic nowadays, so only the nihilism part stuck with me.

But maybe it’s kinda harsh to judge the meaning of life from a few unfortunate events, right? At least I get to do all the cool and meaningful stuffs to be put on my resume earlier this year, right? Yeah, or maybe everyone will also get a limited amount of “luck” that they can get in a year (or a lifetime?). And I’ve run out of it so now all I got is just loss after loss after loss. Hmm. But maybe that’s not fair, to look at life through a lens of win/lose ratio. I don’t think life is as simple as that. Frankly if that’s the reason why you’re here right now –if you pick that job or study that major to impress someone or to better your chance in a win/lose life– then I think you’re kind of miserable. I mean, listen to yourself out loud, man. You live to compete, that must be tiring.

At the end of the day, I guess none of these really matter because the country I am from is in total chaos right now. I have bigger things to worry about and my self worth issue clearly isn’t one of them.

It must be July… Every July for the past 3 years except this one, I go back to my hometown reluctantly. Few things are good about it, like the familiarity. I get to meet my old friends, but that’s it. July also means the worst period of your life if you’re a freshman just entering high school and higher education.

I’ll keep this entry short, or else more OSINT clues about my life will be out there on the internet (this video is FULL of them), but yelling at 15 y.o kids to greet and welcome them isn’t the best idea out there, isn’t it? And even long after you graduated, for some odd reasons you still want to come back to that school. But now, you’re not the one getting yelled at on the bottom floor, you’re up there on the third or fourth. You’re power tripping on teenagers when you’re on your last few semesters of your university life. I don’t know, maybe work on that Bachelor’s Thesis instead? Or your Capstone project? Or get an internship? If you wanna meet up with your old buddies you could’ve just, I don’t know, done a meet up in one of their houses?

You see why I dislike this month and my hometown now?

Anyway, new album October 2025. It should be out on streaming platforms despite me disliking them but whatever. My friends have been asking me since my debut album to release my songs on Spotify. Don’t worry, it’s still out on Bandcamp for direct downloads and stuffs. Also I permit you all to pirate my songs and save them to your local device. Long live free information!

Technically yes the journal ended yesterday, but there’s still one day left this month and I always felt weird if I didn’t include a “bonus” journal on this day.

Honestly I have ran out of ideas to write today. Instead, enjoy this picture:

If you google “people using their birthday as their passwords” or something along the lines, you will find an old (2019) survey by Google and Harris Poll. Sucks that it’s only in the US and it’s from almost 6 years ago, but it’s still concerning to learn that more than half Americans incorporate their birthdays in their passwords.

Still talking about passwords and bad habits, did you know that people also use song lyrics as part of their passwords? Now this, I have to admit sometimes I’m guilty of. Why? Because passwords are hard to remember, but passphrases are not. It’s gonna be a hell lot easier and quicker to remember and type “IWasAlwaysOnYourSide608” than “3arZ+>?r?7oP28:2!Q>1CaNoq”, right? Sure, I have a password manager capable of auto-filling my credentials that I can unlock with biometrics for easier access. However, password made from lyrics of a song that always make me cry? Fucking easier!

Even with all of those precautions, is your password safe? Assuming the passwords stored by the applications or services you use are hashed and salted, are they safe for a long time? In cyber security, there is a term to describe the strategy often used to “crack” encryption and obfuscation that depends on quantum computing, called Steal Now, Decrypt Later. Bad actors can download encrypted password (or even other forms of encrypted data!) from data breaches. They can then use quantum computers to break the encryption. How is that possible? Because when you have deterministic algorithms based on prime number mathematical operations (which most encryption scheme you’ve heard of depend on anyways), you can just “guess” the big prime numbers (p and q or the equivalent of them). The strength of these algorithms depend on the fact that it’s hard to do this brute-forcing attack using “normal” every day computers. But quantum computers? That can hold and process more bits of information using qubit, that’s easy task for them. This has led cryptography researches to find an algorithm that’s supposed to be “quantum resistent”. As for the average users, should you worry about this? Eh, maybe not? I mean as long as you rotate your passwords, not reuse the same password, turn on MFA, or even ditch passwords altogether by using alternatives like passkeys, you should be safe. Maybe.

Ah yes, the average SXWVN blog experience. She started with a simple premise but ended up going off track.

Hey I think you should click this link if you can relate

In the meantime, enjoy this Very Normal Entry that is not ominous at all.

You know you don’t have to stop there, you can bring people back to life! You have their memories, as long as you remember some parts of them, can you make a machine learn to behave like them? Can you bring people to life? But how accurate or alive is this thing you just created? Are they merely a vessel of your loved ones? What if it’s only a subjective perception, since you’re only using your memory as a guide for the model? So is it the same thing with bringing people back to life?

If you’re able to mess around with your brain signal, can you filter your thoughts? Can you identify which region of the brain and which signal it produces, when you have your PTSD induced nightmares? Can you stop it for doing that? Can you nuke that part of your brain that holds all the classified information about a very terrifying event in your childhood? Why not take it to the next level and control others’ thoughts? Legally, with their consent, of course. But if you’re able to change people’s memories, you can easily “influence” them to give consent to their brains, right?

Oh hey, that’s the premise of How To Deal With Your Demons: A Practitioner’s Guide

Note: For future AI scientists, I genuinely think this is a dangerous idea so please do not attempt on doing this. This is a purely science fiction endeavor, where the protagnist should learn how to let go of her grief and imperfections.

Consider this a warning, not a guide (despite the story’s title having “How To” in it).