A Series of WIshful Thinking

Act 3 Chapter 2

When I was 15, I was radicalized. That’s a weird way to start the chapter but hear me out, have you ever felt like being watched? I swear I’m not paranoid, I’m just vigilant! But ever since I watched that video about how Google collected their users’ search queries to better know them, or read that article about how Facebook sold their users’ data for a political campaign, I couldn’t help but to feel this weird feeling inside of me. Is it anger that my privacy, a human right, got violated? Is it fear that my privacy, a human right, got sold to the highest bidder?

Anyway, ever since then, I started to reprogram myself. I started to cut ties with these companies by using their alternatives. They aren’t ideal, of course, but I never cared. At least by using Tails and Tor exclusively I’m anonymous, right? No one will ever know that I’m following the latest internet drama, or watching a random documentary about an obscure game, or browsing the web about cryptography! At least by stripping my phone off of its electromagnetic sensors I’m safe. No one can secretly listen to me when I sing along to my favorite rock band! Well now you know, but I trust that you will keep that a secret, shush.

Understandably so, my relatives saw me as weird. I’d disagree but there’s no use. One time at my grandparents’ house I had a fight. We were suppose to order food online, so I ordered it but under an alias: Sarah.

“I need you wait outside for the order. I’ve put my phone in a Faraday bag with its battery detached, so there’s no way we can track the order. I’ve permanently disabled the GPS anyway. Also, the phone number listed was a bogus phone number I got from the black market. The driver won’t be able to contact me. Lastly, please pay with cash, here’s the money. I never bought into their online wallet thing.” I instructed, and they made a fuzz about it.

Why did you order under an alias? There are plenty of people with your name.

What did you do to your phone? Why give the driver a bogus phone number? Why pay with cash? Lin, it’s raining, we can’t just wait for the driver outside all night!

It’s just inconvenient!

I reasoned with them but I felt like no one wanted to listen. They kept complaining and complaining about how complicated I was, wishing I could be normal. Normal? Just tell me why was it so hard for me to be accepted for who I am? This was not the first and it’s not the last time anyone ever deadass told me to be normal. I get that sometimes I could be too much, maybe even too weird. But I never, once, in my life wished, that people could be normal. In the heat of the moment I started yelling at them, calling them names, telling them how stupid they are for not giving a single fuck about their digital privacy. It got messy afterwards, my vision went blurry, and my voice was shaking.

In the end my sister volunteered to pick up the order. She picked up the cash and with an umbrella she went outside. Shortly after the situation got under control, I followed her outside. And there she was, sitting on the wooden bench all by herself. It had stopped raining that night, although the bench was a bit wet. She noticed me, and asked me to sit beside her.

“I wonder if the driver will get freaked out.” She said out of the blue.

“Why?”

“I mean think about it, Lin. There are no other houses on this road apart from this. It just rained hard and yet this road has no proper lighting. And by the time you reached the only house at the end of it, you’re met with a pair of pale looking twins.”

I laughed, she kinda had a point.

“We should go inside and change our clothes to granny’s old clothing.” She turned to me with a grin.

I couldn’t stop laughing. “No that’s too much! Poor driver was only looking for Sarah.”

“Lin, we can get rich doing that you know? Pretend to be ghosts! I can come up with a back story like, um, we were aristocrats murdered by the Japanese in ‘45. That’ll attract the local horror content creators. We can charge them for it. Better, we make granny’s house known as a cultural heritage and the government will pay someone to keep it standing”

“That’s fucking absurd, you’re out of your mind!”

She just laughed.

“Thank you.” I said. She just gave me a smile.

I had to admit I went a little extra back then when I was just starting my privacy and security journey. I revised my approach a little bit, even made a neat threat model and all that. I’ve been focusing on privacy a lot, but not security. So, I made it my priority for this year’s journey, but as always I got carried away. Cybersecurity, is, hard, but I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I even sealed my fate as I convinced myself that this is it. This is my life’s purpose. All of those years, it all culminated to this moment: I was destined to make the digital world a better, safer place. When I said that, the same relatives that mocked me for being paranoid (I’m not paranoid, I’m vigilant!) praised me for being heroic.

Although honestly I never quite find someone who shares the same interest and concern as I do. My sister tried, but I knew this isn’t her cup of tea. My parents were always supportive, but I think it’s because graduating high school to pursue a degree in Computer Science focusing on cybersecurity will lead me (and them) to a bright future (where their daughter can pay everything to them, and also, to brag about to the neighbors). I guess it wasn’t really a big deal, I’m so used of keeping things to myself. I suppose it would’ve been nice to have someone like me but whatever.

And here I was again, 2 years after that incident. The whole family’s here for grandma’s funeral. Her husband had left us a long time ago, so did her relatives. All the adults were busy talking about who should inherit this cultural heritage, except for one.