The Night I Almost Killed Myself

Act 1 Chapter 1

I counted the time exactly down to the second. 2 years, 4 months, 3 weeks, 18 days, 11 hours, 6 minutes and 8 seconds, since my graduation. I never thought I’d ever get this far. No promise of a better future in an all inclusive far-away land would ever give meaning to my life anymore. No promise of a better career in a 50-story office building would ever give satisfaction to myself anymore. It has been 2 years, 4 months, 3 weeks, 18 days, 11 hours, 6 minutes, and 12 seconds since I ever felt sure of what I want. I knew that the wise thing to do was to rest and not trust whatever thoughts you had past your bed time. But I couldn’t take it anymore.

Tonight is the night I will finally kill myself.

I grabbed my pen and paper then I started writing to my half-siblings. Both are a decade older than me with families and jobs to take care of. They are the closest thing I get to a real family I guess. I wrote another letter to my employer, telling him to go find someone else, because his workaholic employee will depart indefinitely. Another letter to my professors, telling them I’m not really interested in pursuing a master’s degree abroad anymore, in fact, nothing interest me anymore. I should probably write a letter to my landlord, so he knows what to do with the dead body in Room 27, I thought. Maybe I should also write letters to, wait, okay I need to stop before I got carried away.

After I finished writing all those letters, I grabbed a gun that I saved exactly for a moment like this. I aimed straight for the head. But then, I saw my reflection on the mirror in front of me.

What is it with you? Why are you always sad? Is it your upbringing or the coffee you bought on the street? Do you do the things you did because you’re genuinely passionate or do you simply do what is expected upon you?

At some point while staring at it, I think I saw my younger self. She was 16, probably. Ah, 16 year old me. If I were a lawyer I would let her do whatever she wants to those who wronged her. Because your honor, I think you should’ve known, they screwed her up! I let out a little laugh, as I realized I probably didn’t see her. It was most likely me. So I put my glasses on but the reflection was still there.

She, I, always looked pathetic and sad. What’s up with that?

She didn’t move nor said anything. She was just there, in front of me. The more I stared at her the harder it was for me to pull the trigger. I tried looking away but the guilt was still there.

I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Not when she’s looking.

There was a moment of silence, and I was able to feel a breeze of clarity. Or maybe that was the midnight wind blowing through the open window.

Not when I did it to her. Damn it!

I put the gun away from me. I almost broke down to tears when my phone rang. A call, from my half-sister. That was unusual, she never called this late at night. Must be something really important then, I thought.

“Hello?”

“Oh, hi! How are you? Sorry for calling this late–”

I zoned out throughout most of the call. I just had the chance to feel the gravity of what ever the fuck I tried to do a few minutes ago. I looked at my desk, what a mess it was. The letters were all scattered on it. I looked away, outside, towards my window. I could see the lights flickering from tall skyscrapers downtown. Finally, I took a long look at the mirror. And in moments like these, my younger self’s reflection completely disappeared.

Thank you for ruining that chance, kid. Now I have to pretend I’m listening to whatever my sister is saying even though I really just want to shout. I know she will listen to me.

“Are you there? Hello?”

I made up an excuse, “hello? Is my voice clear now? I think my internet is acting up again.” “Hi, yes, it’s clear now. I thought you fell asleep!” I could hear her giggling at the end there. “Yes so anyway I just got a news you should know from one of our cousins. [Grandma Name] has just passed away. If I’m not mistaken I think she’ll be buried in her hometown tomorrow.”

I didn’t know what got me to saying this, but I told her, “That’s just a few hours drive from here, I’ll come at her funeral.”

“But everyone will be there tomorrow, it’s gonna be a big reunion. You know how she is like a living saint in the family–” I could hear her getting concerned this time.

“Don’t worry about it.” Which was absurd and we both knew it. Any family reunion with me in it had turn, and will turn, eventually, into a shit show. This will make more sense in later chapters. But at the same time leaving me alone with my own thoughts would’ve been a really bad idea. At least if I went to that funeral I had someone to hate other than myself, be it [Cousin Name] The Puritan or [Cousin Name] The Gossiper.

“You don’t have to put yourself through this just because your brother and I can’t come.”

She knows me too well, but that’s just half of my motive. At last I told her, “lots of things can change in a decade. I changed. Maybe they did too. Maybe now instead of being known as the infidel I will be known as a very lost and confused lamb we still hate, but not as much as the infidel.”

She just laughed at the other end of the line.

“Something tells me you’re not alright–”

“No shit, Sherlock.” I answered and now’s my turn to laugh.

“No, I mean like right now! You’re doing it again! See? You’re downplaying it, making it a joke. That’s how you always coped.”

“And?” I asked, half jokingly.

“And I don’t want to see my little sister does something stupid because she hates herself.”

There was a moment of silence between us.

“Minor correction.” I said, out of the blue.

“Hmm?”

She almost killed herself.

What? Do you think I had the courage to tell her something insane like that? No, of course not. Instead, I made up an excuse again.

“She’s just a little bit lonely and may or may not miss her older siblings. But they shouldn’t worry about her. She’s fine.” My sister on the other line was just laughing and let out a sigh, before telling me, “well I’m pretty sure they miss her too.”