May Journal: The Curse Of Small Desires

I guess this is it. This is goodbye. I can’t believe this but I’ve reached the end, and I’m still alive. In fact, I’m more alive. That’s cool.

This will sound corny but today’s goodbye marks the start of a new phase. A phase associated with big desires, with impossible missions, with high stakes decisions. It would’ve been nice if I could stay. If I could just be safe and satisfied with small desires; graduate, get a job at a local business, start a family, and settle near my hometown. But for reasons I don’t want to share publicly (at this point you’ve figured why), I just can’t afford that kind of lifestyle.

I will always be on the run, and that’s alright.

Can’t deny this feeling but there are parts of me who really just want to stand still. Let the cold breeze soothes my aching bones. Let the laughter and cries of my loved ones be the background noise of my day. Stay, even for a second. Stay.

I want to stay. Will I ever find someone, somewhere, somehow that will let me taste my small desire? Maybe this world is too broken, too full of snakes to trust, too full of idle NPC under a rigged system unable to do anything.

I want to stay, but so far east I’m westbound.

I was thinking maybe if we’re living in a simulation; we look the same (or not having any looks at all, just a floating entity), and speak the same made up language, maybe we’ll finally unite as one species. But then I thought, well what if we start to develop our own ways of life, habits, cultures, and arbitrary rules of in-group and out-group? I think humanity’s bound to do that.

Maybe we’re bound to hurt each other, guided by our primal fear of the unknown. Maybe it’s survival.