about:winning

This is not a showcase nor a journal entry. This is the essay I hinted on my ABCD release post. Let me start this post frankly by saying I have enough. Enough of this meaningless existence.

Like a lot of people I grow up having hopes and dreams. The things I want to do, the kind of people I want to become, the values I aligned myself with, all that goofy stuffs. I suppose I worked hard to get what I want and in a sense we’re all working hard to get what we want. However lately I come to the conclusion that life is inherently a stochastic machine that will not guarantee you a win even if you work super hard on what you want. Some people cope by thinking this isn’t the end of the hero’s journey, that it’s only a detour that might’ve saved the hero from a dangerous path. Some people cope by believing that they simply lack the discipline their successful peer have, so they keep digging. Me on the other hand, just cope by becoming a miserable nihilist lol.

Hey, you can’t fully blame me on that one. I mean, what do you expect when everyone ignored your climb but took notice of your fall? So maybe I shouldn’t be playing a game that satisfies this people. Maybe all their praises mean nothing and that I could be whoever the fuck I want to be or do what I want to do even if they have no immediate reward. In a sense, nothing matters! I thought I was fucking clever when I thought of that.

I guess it was easier said than done, something something about Optimistic Nihilism or stuff. To be frank, it’s been hard for me to be optimistic nowadays, so only the nihilism part stuck with me.

But maybe it’s kinda harsh to judge the meaning of life from a few unfortunate events, right? At least I get to do all the cool and meaningful stuffs to be put on my resume earlier this year, right? Yeah, or maybe everyone will also get a limited amount of “luck” that they can get in a year (or a lifetime?). And I’ve run out of it so now all I got is just loss after loss after loss. Hmm. But maybe that’s not fair, to look at life through a lens of win/lose ratio. I don’t think life is as simple as that. Frankly if that’s the reason why you’re here right now –if you pick that job or study that major to impress someone or to better your chance in a win/lose life– then I think you’re kind of miserable. I mean, listen to yourself out loud, man. You live to compete, that must be tiring.

At the end of the day, I guess none of these really matter because the country I am from is in total chaos right now. I have bigger things to worry about and my self worth issue clearly isn’t one of them.