A Bunch of Nadia's

I have a friend, Nadia. We were majoring IT together but I only got to know her in our senior year. Like most of my uni friends, I keep some aspects of my life secret to her. I assume she does the same thing to me too. It’s mostly about my [redacted], which is a huge part of my life so I often hide some details that might lead to identifying me. Although I only get to know her and bunch of other uni friends on a “surface” level, I’m still glad to have them in my life. Perhaps, I feel safer with them than with my close friends. Which sounds like a contradiction, until I realize recently that my close friends have this sense of “justice” that sounds more like vengeance.

I don’t know how many times they told me to cut things off with people they think are problematic for me, even after I told them I’ve made progress with them. I don’t know if the way I vent to them weren’t quite objective (isn’t the point of venting pouring out your feelings?), or if they are quick to judge because they’re protective of me, or they understand power relations more so they see more red flags than normally percieved. Point is, I’m kind of disappointed that my intent to pour my feelings out somehow got interpreted as me badmouthing a certain someone to the point where my peers think this person I’m beefing with is problematic. It doesn’t matter how actually problematic this person is, but I feel like we at least need to verify the truth of the story first?

So this is how we come to today: where I want nothing more than a bunch of Nadia’s. A bunch of friends at a safe distance, away from my Event Horizon. I will still be open for a warm conversation over shared interest, but you will know me as the most secretive member of the function. You will know me, but you will not know my pain. That thing will only be shared if I can safely implement a double-blind between us, or is only something I should process internally. I sweat this is the last time.

Nadia, if you’re reading this, thank you. I hope things are going well for you too post-graduation. I know it can get confusing at times.

My close friends, if you’re reading this, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to think you guys are evil. But I think I will be a little bit careful with what I do and say.